CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have bloated to the size or shape of a cricket ball should be disposed of – very carefully!
CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie in a knot in is not fresh.
DIPS: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
DAIRY: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it begins to move.
GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for your own cooking).
LETTUCE: Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without sandpaper.
MAYONNAISE: If your internal organs shut down after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes all stray animals within a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
SALT: Salt never spoils.
RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a guinea pig. Keep a guinea pig in or near your refrigerator as a gauge